Honey! I'm Home!

I haven't seen my wife in almost three months, and yet, for some reason, I spend the night on the couch. Not because she wanted me there, NAY! She tried, at least a dozen times, to get my lazy ass to move to move. Did it? Hell no. So I deserve the nasty kink in my neck that I have...

To My Navy Wife

Hey Baby,

I feel compelled to write this, despite the fact that I don't know what to say. But I have gotten really good at stringing a whole bunch of randomness together for you, and you have gotten really good at being the only person to decipher my ramblings.

I don't know who we would be if we weren't who we are now... A SEAL, a Marine... In some sort of odd twist of fate, we put aside the competitiveness of our respective branches and somehow managed to fall in love anyway...

I love you baby. I know how hard it is being a husband to a military woman, I can imagine how hard it must be being a wife to a military man. But this is who we are. We do these things because we love to do them. I do my best to give my everything to this great country first.
I have been a better SEAL than husband, I know that without you ever having to tell me. But I have tried to do better, to support you, to be there for you when I could. I know that I fail at it, every single day... It has never been because I don't want to do it. Sometimes it is just not possible.

We have been married for seven months, and we have been apart for almost half that time. And I am once again leaving you. I know that you hate it. And not without reason. The last time was an in and out deal, and three and a half months later I was back... I don't want to put you through this. Through all the worry and the sleepless nights. I don't want you waiting for that call and sleeping with the phone. I don't want your tears staining your face so everyone at your work knows you've been crying again. I also don't want to go bankrupt, buying new glasses and dishes...

I cannot be one of those people who sit back and complain about the world, and do nothing to change it... Like you, I want action, not just empty words. This is the life that we chose, together and apart, for better and for worse... And I love that you won't beg me to stay, even though we both want you to.

I have never been more proud of anyone in my entire life then I am of you, every time I see you or think of you. My heart swells when I say your name, when I hear your name... You are the woman of my dreams, the woman of my heart. I will fight a million wars to come back to you. Any of those other cliches, I will do too. (Walking through fire, slaying the dragons...)

Baby there is nothing that will stop me from coming home to you. I know in the past I haven't always done it in a timely fashion, but I have always come home. The days are long with my thoughts of you. You are my best friend, the love of my life, the woman that I have pledged my entire life to, before God.

I promise when I come back, I will be a better man and a husband that tries even harder to be worthy of the love that you give me. You love me more than the all the sands on all the beaches, and this is something that I can simply not comprehend, as I pack my gear to leave you yet again.

Not everything I take is physical, baby. I take your heart in my hands, your kiss lingers on my lips, your words are still with me, threatening to kill me if I don't bring my ass home to you (I believe the word fine, sweet and/or sexy was in there somewhere...)... Most of all, the most prized thing that I am taking over there with me, is YOU. All those pieces of you that you have shared with me have etched themselves into my soul. Maybe we aren't there together, physically, but we are together every second of every day, just like we have always been... Because you love me.

U.S Navy Slang

Some of my comrades thought that they would help me put together a list of our Navy slang, so all you civs could follow along. Thanks to all for their input!

Of course .. we ALL wanted to be a Bullet Sponge - U.S. Marine!

Never heard this one before, but it seems to fit:
Queer - nickname for the EA-6B Prowler. Also Air Force Personnel

Of course, there's the usual:
aye - yes
bulkhead - wall
skipper - capt
as you were - keep doing what you were doing
by your leave - may I go, or excuse me
Cracker Jacks - Slang for the dress blue uniforms worn by sailors below the rank of E-7

And the flap in the front of the trousers - a MARINE TABLE CLOTH!
Diego Garcia 10 - ANY woman on Diego Garcia....

Do you know why they put Marines on Navy ships?
because sheep are no longer practical...
deck ape - a Bosun Mate
twidget - an electronics expert
nosebleed country - the upper superstructure, because the engineers get nosebleeds when they go up there
sliders - burgers, because they have enough grease to slide off the plate
midrats - leftovers from dinner or cold sandwiches for the midnight meal
BUG JUICE! .....
Scuttlebutt - drinking fountain or rumors
Buttkit - ashtray
Ropeyarn Sunday - Time set aside to mend clothes and sails, usually on a Wednesday.
Hatch - opening between decks
Line - rope
Monkey's paw - Line formed into a ball around a weight attached to a heaving line.
Bilges - where Marines are bred.
Snipes - Engineers
R & R - Rust & Redlead
Sea Story - Tall tale
Shellback - Sailor who has crossed the equator.

How do you identify a Sea Story? They all begin with "Once upon a time" or "Hey, this is no shit.."

Sea Story - Tall tale
Don't forget 'Sea Lawyer'. Every body needs a good 'Sea Lawyer'.
Or 'Sea Daddy'.
Good times.
And of course there was "Sea Pussy"
Ballast - Marines... (Plus, they take up space that could be used to stow Ice Cream...)
BCG's - Birth Control Glasses. Standard Navy-issue corrective eye wear. So named because they are so thick and hideous that you are guaranteed never to have sex while you are wearing them. Term has become obsolete due to more normal looking frame choices offered nowadays (outside of recruit training, at least).
Dirty-dick - To rub genitalia on someone’s cup or soda can as an act of retribution or to be funny.
Drop your cocks and grab your socks - A saying that the petty officer of the watch yells in the sleeping quarters when it's time for everyone to get up. Often done in boot camp.
Gyrene - derogatory Navy term for a U.S. Marine. Also called "Jarheads".
MARINE - acronym for Marines Always Ride in Navy Equipment...or Muscles are Required Intelligence Not Essential... or My Ass Really Is Navy Equipment..or My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment...or Muscles are Required Intelligence Not Expected.
Naval Infantry - the U.S. Marines.
Puddle Pirate - Members of the US Coast Guard.

Solomon's Guide to Review Notes

For those of us who do not know, occasionally I do some copy editing... Lol. Some of the stuff is decent, some is average. Most is downright appalling.

My lovely wife has asked for clarification on some of my comments. So I present: Solomon's Guide to Review Notes:

"Good" - Good.
"Great" - Great.
"Wow!" - That's pretty impressive!
"Yay!" - Wow, that is phenomenally unimpressive.
"?" - I'm not even sure what this means!
"Uh..." - This makes no sense.
"No" - No
"Really" - Are you sure about that?
"Oh rly?" - Absolutely not, no, not a chance, you have no clue what you're talking about.
"Not Reasonable" - Have you worked in a school before? Ever?
"OMG" - How could you even write that?
"OMFG" - This is so unbelievably unreasonable that my astonishment is inexpressible.
"Data?" - Do you have any evidence of what you're saying at all??
"WTF" - What possessed you to ever even vaguely believe this might possibly be relevant?
"Plug-n-Play" - Nice boiler plate. But, uh, gotcha.
(music notes) - Now that is some mighty impressive data manipulation skills.

Sadly, due to the nature of the Peer Review Process, the people I'm reviewing will never see these, or any of my far more relevant, comments written - the copies I'm reading will be shredded... What fun is that?

Life Can Be Seriously Funny

No wonder none of the girls want to ride horses anymore...



Oops... They miscalculated... The car bomb was simply not big enough... He'd have to go home and get another one...

WHAT THE HELL?

Pretty interesting?
The following is an actual question given on a Washington University chemistry mid-term.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong t more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

Zombie Survival...